Something I’ve been denying for a while
For the past several months, I’ve been in a tricky in between stage…as if I’m in between 2 totally different worlds. I haven’t felt like I quite fit in with my family, coworkers, or really anyone in the Midwest. However, I also haven’t felt like I fit in with my friends in LA anymore either. In LA, I’ve felt “too Ohio,” yet while in Ohio, I’ve come across as too much of a “California girl.” Slowly, this has changed, and I’m no longer a complete fish out of water here. However, it’s still very much present and sometimes eats me up with how out of place I feel…which brings on this icky, isolated and alone feeling, and even at times, despair. At my lowest points of this, I start to rethink everything…all the decisions I’ve made up until now, and how I got to this point. I think of how much “damage” I brought onto myself (and perhaps others), by how much I’ve suppressed myself over the years… which becomes more apparent to me when I am around others. It’s almost like I haven’t quite figured out how to act like myself again. And this is one of the worst feelings to have, in my opinion.
Let’s also make clear…I never wanted to not act like myself, by the way. But I think without even realizing it, it became a habit over time (since I was 18 and modeling), to suppress my spirit in order to protect myself from harm. As the months and years went by, I continued to do so, thus shutting myself down further and further… all while layering over a thick shell, and within this exterior contained the how to’s on how to survive in the world—including how to behave and act around people, mainly around men.
Of course, by giving my life over to Christ and getting baptized, this “damage” has been renewed—I know this. But, it’s a work in progress to allow myself to feel fully safe in my body once again.
While struggling with these feelings within me, it’s felt even more like a slap in the face while I’m at work. While at work, I’ve witnessed so many beautiful wedding gatherings and friends together. I’ve seen such young, beautiful families. Being 29 years old, I’ve wanted this so badly down to my core lately—I still want this. But being in Ohio has reflected things back to me that I was otherwise completely oblivious to in LA. I didn’t quite realize how far off the mark I was because of how much I’ve shut myself (and others) down, and in turn, I’ve felt like an outsider in my own life. Thankfully, I know these feelings are all temporary, and God is at work at my life. I know I’m in a major transition phase, and I will soon be at home with myself, and I will look back at this point in my life and be grateful I worked through this and stuck it out. Because I will be honest, I’ve had temptations of moving back to California. And in LA, there was far more to distract myself with—however this is dangerous, and I know it is. It’s dangerous because it doesn’t force myself to come face to face with where I’m at in life, and to be fully honest with myself. It’s a slippery slope for disaster, and I’ve known many people in LA who are living in regret and not where they want to be at in life, even if they don’t admit it themselves. Even so, I am grateful for all the things I got to do while I was there. I had to leave LA though because I knew I needed real change, and oh man, I’m working for it. It’s been tough. However I’m so much already looking forward to being able to write about the breakthroughs I make in my life in the coming weeks or month(s). God is at work. I know He is. And I’m coming back soon.