Born again to serve him. My baptism story
I’m writing this at the risk of people not liking me, and getting many eye rolls. But I don’t care. I recently redid my homepage of my blog as well, at the risk of people not being interested. But once again, I don’t care. Because I know now I am truly speaking from my heart, and I feel good about that. And you know what? The right people for me will respect me for it, and I will also respect myself.
As I’ve written in many posts, I just returned from being in Los Angeles for almost a decade. Being there was a culture shock to me for a long time, so much so that I had to continuously move back home to Ohio in the early stages. Finally, though, I found a way to survive. However over time, I gradually lost touch with what mattered most, and lost hold of my natural, God fearing, carefree self. I became fearful, as one naturally would, from the rollercoaster of my life. It felt quite subtle and slow changing at first, and then suddenly, I felt totally different. The fun loving Ohio girl I once knew, somehow turned into a more guarded, tense, and sometimes even desperate (but still kind) one. I felt worlds apart with myself. I felt broken.
I’ve always felt God’s touch in my life. I’ve felt Him in my heart at times. I’ve felt him rescue me from potentially life threatening situations, even when I completely blocked Him out. I’ve felt Him through people I’ve met, who happened to appear in my life at the exact right time. I’ve felt Him reach out to me on multiple occasions, usually when I was alone and in silence—like a soft beckoning, a gentle whisper in my ear. In response, I would listen, and try to fight my inner demons to come back to His arms once again, like how I knew it to be as a child. Yet, I would still tragically block out His voice and instead go from relationship to relationship, in an effort to try to save myself that way instead. Instead of opening myself up to receive His love and rescuing, I ran into the arms of men (through extreme back to back relationships). I even tried to continue that cycle when I returned to Ohio. However as I slowly unraveled from survival mode, and spent more time with family, the cycle got broken. God stepped in, in a major way. I felt Him calling…louder, louder, and louder. Oh, how I now felt so desperate for His love!
When Easter began to approach, I knew it was time. My mom mentioned to me our church was going to be doing baptisms. I told her maybe because I was timid to talk about it, and not to mention we go to a mega church, so I was a bit nervous. But I knew in my heart it was going to be a yes.
When the day came, it felt like I was in an actual dream. The day felt surreal itself, which sounds cheesy, but I don’t know how else to describe it. Everything felt like it was going in slow motion almost, yet so much more beautifully vivid. When it came time for us to go on stage (my mom and I decided that she would be the one to baptize me), I glanced around at all the people who occupied the thousands of seats filling the multi-layer balconies. My mom tightly squeezed my hand, and I just focused on her and making my way into one of the 6 tubs. There was a guy with a huge camera inches away from my face, but I managed to block that out as well. Then, as I was sitting down in the water, the people’s voices started quieting around me. Everything went still. The Holy Spirit was with me and quieted the room (not literally, but He made it seem that way to me). My mom looked me in the eyes and I cried, and I accepted Christ as my savior and she prayed over me as she held my head and submerged me under the water.
When I was underwater, which was the most surreal part, I felt the Holy Spirit construct spiritual surgery on me. My heart got rushed with fluids. My brain felt cleansed. There were so many super charged sensations I felt (both spiritual and physical) that had nothing to do with the fact that I was physically under water. I felt His Spirit rush into me, and when I got out, I felt completely new…and I still wish I had better words to describe it. And the rest of the day felt surreal as well, and I was doing my best to process it all.
Now, a little over a month later, my life very much feels different and I feel so much peace. However I want to clarify that my life is definitely not at all “perfect.” But I confidently say that when I look at old photos of me, I can’t relate to the girl I see in some of those photos. I feel new—that’s a fact. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop having hardships—but I do feel His hand on me, and on my life overall. I don’t feel in a rush to be with someone like I did before. I feel renewed peace, patience, compassion, and joy—deep and profound levels. And this is truly amazing and a miracle, considering I am currently facing some hardships in my life. But the pain is less. Way less. And I can’t wait to see what my future holds.
Xoxo Elise
Have you ever been baptized or thought about it? What are your thoughts on the act of being born again? Let me know in a message.