“The darkness of the present moment will not define your future”
Oh my, how it’s been so long since I wrote last. Once again, my life has changed dramatically. What’s new? Thankfully, things have settled and I am excited to be in this upward trajectory towards my even brighter future.
It is currently October 3rd, and I am in my 6th week back in University (Miami University of Ohio to be exact)—after nearly a decade off from being a student. Actually, let me be more specific. It was a decade off from being a “traditional, in class,” student. From my travels and life experiences, I learned quite a bit, to say the least. Not to mention, I spent years studying holistic health and even got certified to teach yoga. Even though I am older then most of my peers at school, I am very proud to have these experiences under my belt as I progress forward in my studies, in pursuit of obtaining my bachelors degree in nursing. I also very much look forward to the day of when I get to be a part of the hustle and bustle of working in a hospital, and giving my heart even more to others. And while my current job as a caregiver has fulfilled me on many levels (as it takes a lot of compassion and hard work to do that as well), I am still excited to become more educated and obtain more responsibilities in my future, while widening my options for careers in healthcare.
So…while all of this has been very exciting and hopeful—these changes have also brought on major shifts to my personal life as well…shifts that have actually been quite hard for me. Allow me to explain…
As many of you know, I got baptized in April. From this, my life started to reorient itself completely, and everything that I once clung onto, started to crumble beneath my hands. My job wasn’t working for me anymore, and I got steered into a whole new direction, a direction I never once thought possible or even considered for myself—some of which involved becoming a caregiver, going back to school, and moving into the direction of becoming a nurse. As scary and different as it all seemed to me, I trusted God and went for it, as I’ve already spoken about before. The thing that I was not expecting from all this, and something that I wasn’t planning on having so much difficulty with, was the loss of friends—old friends from LA, and even here in the Midwest. On top of that, it’s also been hard to create new connections. It’s felt so extreme to the point that if someone told me I had a sign on my forehead to keep everyone away, I’d believe them.
For what felt like forever, this bothered me a lot more than I’d like to admit. I didn’t get it. After all, I’ve become much more of a woman, and I feel like I’m doing something that actually matters. I’m much more articulate, less shy, and I might even describe myself as bold. I’m less afraid to speak up for myself. I know who I am. I read the Bible almost daily, and I pray for those I love. I’ve gone from seeming almost airy fairy (which is how I was perceived by strangers but not who I actually was), to a real woman in the world (my outward finally reflecting my inner). From this transformation, I automatically assumed that this dramatic change would draw more people in, particularly in the dating world (even though this was clearly not the reason I did any of it, as I have been in a couple longer term relationships over the years). So why is it then, that I’m having more trouble than ever connecting with others?
Ironically, this is kind of what I prayed for. When I left California, I prayed I’d discover my true purpose and also find more focus in writing. Well, struggling to find new friends here has catapulted me back into both those things, along with the sheer discipline to follow through with it and stick with it. Separately, after my last relationship (which brought me more stress than happiness), I prayed to God that my next relationship would be with my future husband. Well, that explains me struggling to date here—God clearly wants me to focus on my studies, thus helping me grow even more into the woman I’m meant to be for my future life with my family, husband, and career. Technically, the answers to my prayers are being manifested as we speak. And even though I prayed for all of these things wholeheartedly, I conveniently forgot I did so—until recently. And guess what helped me remember? It was when I broke down, got on my knees, prayed to God and specifically asked Him for guidance, and to see it with clarity and wisdom—as I literally felt like doors were being aggressively slammed in my face, left and right.
A few things happened after that prayer. One, I remembered my previous prayers, and God put a clear vision in my heart of what it is I truly want, and how what I’m doing now is helping me get there. If a couple of those doors hadn’t been slammed shut, I would have been veered off course. Two, God led me to writing about it. Three, the minute I opened up Instagram, the very first post on my feed was a video from my church. It was a message from one of our pastors, Chuck Mingo, who said something that was so simple, yet so powerful as it felt like God was comforting me right then and there. He said, “this darkness of the present moment will not define your future.” Wow. I felt seen, and I felt connected to God. What struck me the hardest was that it was a reminder that God knows me better than I know myself. Even though I’ve been going through a rough patch, I have been in denial that I have felt any kind of darkness. I haven’t been honest with myself on the levels that I’d like to, thus making life harder than it needs to be. Yes, I am (or have been) in darkness. However after I have processed all this, through spending more precious time with God, and writing out my feelings, I’ve hit a breakthrough, mentally. I know my life is really about to change, for the good. I know I just need to stick with it, and stay the course. I know God has good things planned for me. I am just learning to have the patience to wait for it to all unfold.
What has God done for you lately in your life? Always feel free to message me.
Stay blessed,
Elise